When It Comes to Elder Abuse, Let’s Talk
Our silence protects perpetrators, not their victims
Prepared remarks for Let’s Talk: Financial Wellness & Vulnerability hosted by Benchmark and Bank of America on April 4, 2019, with a panel discussion moderated by Sally Abrahms.
Sally: Philip, what happened to your grandmother, Brooke Astor?
Today — and every day — when I reflect on my grandmother’s sad circumstances before we acted, I wonder how many trusted family, friends, neighbors, and professionals share a similar situation, yet do not know what to do or who to turn to.
Before I acted…I was filled with angst, frustration, and a sense of impotence as I watched my grandmother’s world, which had spanned the globe and a century, become so diminished and compromised by her son, my father.
Circles of support
When bad things happen, good people get together.
In helping my grandmother, I was not alone.
Her abuse galvanized a collective response by family, friends, and caregivers and other professionals — individuals united by compassion and a common cause, individuals-in-sum with a great mixed skill-set.
The strength of our diversity contributed much to our success.
In the same way, this is how expert enhanced-multidisciplinary teams work toward rapid response and victim-centered recovery.
Our A-Team — my grandmother, included — took a strengths-based approach to our shared ordeal. But not without having individuals thwarted along the way.
Chris Ely, my grandmother’s country butler, fought valiantly to protect his boss, his friend, my grandmother — from herself, when in the throes of Alzheimers; and from my father because she was in the throes of Alzheimers.
Chris was dismissed — and her country house, shuttered.
Later, back in New York City, my grandmother’s nurses showed her a photograph of Chris. She thought he must have died, as she didn’t understand why else he was gone.
Full circle
At first, all we wanted to do was to respect my grandmother’s wish to spend her last days at her country house which, after we acted, she did—with family and friends, and free from fear.
It was because of my grandmother’s circle of support, that she was able to come full circle.
Our ‘old age’ must never be considered a terminal stage, but one where life re-turns full circle, cradled in trust.
“…follow your heart, first; then follow the money”
In desperately trying to help my grandmother, I was not sure what to do.
I sought advice from several trusted people including a sage high-school friend whose own family had been through similar circumstances.
He advised, “Philip, follow your heart, first; then, follow the money.”
Our greatest concern was my grandmother’s psychological abuse, one of the most difficult forms of elder abuse to give credence to — much less document and assess.
So, in large part, I felt our fallback were the financials.
But, I now know: financials are at the forefront of our campaign for elder justice.
The financial industry, regulators, and nonprofits play a key, leadership role in protecting seniors’ net worth, self worth, and lives.
From tribulation to trail
In April 2009 the criminal trial began…and lasted, for six months.
The jury’s verdict: my father was found guilty on 14 of 16 counts against him. (All, but one, were upheld on appeal.)
After a spring and long summer of heart-wrenching testimony, this was a very bittersweet harvest. Yet, this harvest has so nourished the cause of elder justice.
We advanced from tribulation to trail. From the tribulation of hearing the guardianship judge declare that my “allegations of intentional elder abuse were not substantiated,” to a criminal trial that proved otherwise.
We had saved my grandmother.
But this one clause — that elder abuse was “not substantiated” — catapulted us from case to cause.
Had this clause held, it would have been open season on seniors.
Philip, tell us how you knew something was wrong. In your situation, it was very complicated because it was your father stealing from his own mother. What was that like for you, knowing it would make headlines?
My guardianship petition, which was to have been sealed, was discovered by the press leading to front-page headlines reading, “Disaster for Mrs Astor.”
My grandmother would never want to be known as one of America’s most famous cases of elder abuse.
Nor did she, while in the throes of Alzheimer’s, choose to be victimized; to be deprived, manipulated, and robbed — all as part of a calculated “scheme to defraud,” as characterized by the Manhattan District Attorney.
Yet, the sad circumstances surrounding my grandmother have informed a timely, and timeless, cause in elder justice.
This may be her greatest, most lasting legacy.
Would you have done anything differently, Philip? If so, how?
In filing a guardianship petition for my grandmother, it was my hope was that this family affair would be quietly settled.
But, for my grandmother, and millions of other seniors, elder abuse is not a “family affair” nor a “civil” matter. Elder abuse is a crime; it needs to be treated as such so victims and their supporters are not re-victimized by their perpetrators — and by society’s lack of responsibility and response.
If I could do it over again, I would have called the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office immediately.
I remain grateful to Liz Loewy — at the time, lead prosecutor of the elder-abuse unit in the Manhattan DA, which launched an independent investigation.
As we entered the criminal justice system, Liz coupled compassion with Kleenex, helping us to find our voice and tell our story — allowing us to advance from taking astand, and helping my grandmother, to taking the stand, in criminal court, for the greater cause of elder justice.
I now better understand Reverend King’s claim that, “True peace is not merely the absence of tension; it is the presence of justice.” — here, elder justice.
Life, choices
I could have disregarded heart-wrenching accounts by staff, caregivers, and friends.
I could have found false consolation in thinking my grandmother had, “had a good life” and, in the throes of dementia, wasn’t cognizant of her circumstances.
I could have maintained the fallacy that our family dirty linen should not be aired in public , even when financial assets are being laundered.
I could have been made complicit by the false prospect of “silence money” that would have increased my inheritance significantly.
I could have enabled my father by thinking “family first” and presume that my grandmother’s only child, only son — “natural object of her affection” — deserved all he sought.
But, I could never, ever live with any of these choices.
What should adult children and their parents be thinking about doing right now — today and tomorrow?
An article, titled Elder Abuse: Global Situation, Risk Factors, and Prevention Strategies, was recently published by The Gerontologist. The authors focus on prevention. They note,
“… elder abuse is likely the most widespread problem of older people that is largely preventable…”
Liz Loewy knows this.
Elder justice is in its infancy as compared with our other moral, social, and legal obligations. Big-data analytics is in its infancy, too. Both seek to explore and enhance relationships and their value in our complex lives. Both must be cradled in a legally and ethically constituted ‘trust framework.’
After decades of civil service and thousands of elder-abuse cases, Liz joined Howard Tischler to co-found Eversafe, which harness technology toward detection of, and rapid response to, financial exploitation — real time, in time, before it’s too late.
Surya Kolluri and John Hibbs know this, too — with Bank of America taking a proactive, preventive approach to financial wellness and vulnerability.
For example, last year in New York City, Bank of America hosted and co-sponsored — a symposium, Financial Wellness for Longer Lives: New Approaches to Working and Saving.
Recognizing longevity as our new normal, the symposium addressed health, wealth, society, and self through our life course, in a community context.
The symposium challenged all sectors with specific calls to action, summarized in Symposium Insights and Action Items (2018). The symposium was co-sponsored by the The New York Academy of Medicine, Global Coalition on Aging, AARP New York, and Bank of America as host.
Let’s talk
Let’s talk. Our silence…protects perpetrators, not their victims.
Today, victims of this crime may be strangers. Tomorrow, they may be our loved ones. Perhaps, in the future, they may be ourselves. Seniors and society deserve more.
Let’s talk — every day, all along the way. And then act.
Elder abuse and exploitation is a trend, but it’s not our destiny.
Let’s Talk — Resources
Let’s Talk— Resources: Elder Abuse Prevention, Elder Abuse Stories, Wellness, Retirement and General Resources.
Call to Action
How have your conversations been with older adults and those in their circles of support?
In addition to the Let’s Talk Resources, above, what do you need to help having conversations, and act?
Please share this article—and your experience and needs, at the end of this page.
Tweet — let’s talk about #elderabuse #financialexploitation #fraud #technology #financialwellness with @BenchmarkSL @BankofAmerica @EverSafeSeniors @sallyabrahms @philipcmarshall
